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I will not be satisfied until I see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn`t 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?
It`s not a real relationship until their zip code is in your Weather Channel app.
I don`t care if you`re here to murder me - we take our shoes off in this house.
It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destoroy the illusion that I am a nice person.
I know exactly how a bomb technician feels when I try to open a cup of cherry mixed fruit without the juice spraying out.
Oh honey, you`re not pretty enough to be that stupid
According to Pinterest, I`m severely under-utilizing mason jars.
I`d like to thank Tetris for making me really good at loading my dishwasher.
If you start smacking people with your wife`s purse she won`t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
Got a paper cut turning the pages in my self-defense book.
I went to the store to buy some comdoms and the cashier asked me If I needed a bag ? "I replied No she`s not that ugly"
Success is like a fart. It only bothers people when it`s not their own.
Due to the rising cost of ammunition I will no longer be able to provide a warning shot. Thanks for your understanding.