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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
Who needs dance lessons when you`ve got alcohol?!
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Were this to be an actual emergency you’d be screwed, because no one takes this seriously.
Next time you over hear a stranger giving out their number. Text them details of what they are wearing. It`s so fun to watch them freak out!
No one appreciates the special genius of your conversation like the dog does
Women`s magazines are so funny. 1: You`re beautiful and perfect just the way you are! 2: How to lose 20 pounds in 10 days.
There must be an easier way to transport long poles across canyons other than walking across a tightrope carrying one pole at a time.
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren`t there hot chocolate trucks in the winter?
I dreamt I was you..I hated myself. Luckily I woke up..woah that was close.
If you need time alone, announce that it`s time to clean the house.
Don´t call me crazy. I much prefer the term "mentally hilarious"
Might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery, the odds are about the same
When we were kids, we didn`t have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren`t there, we would get stoned like normal people.
I would like to publicly apologize to anyone I have NOT offended…I will get to you shortly.