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It`s pretty cool how vodka always has such `great` ideas.
I got this new calorie counting app ... Every day I go for a new high score ... Winning!
Hi I’m a spider & I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
when i have children im going to make them watch 2012 and tell them i survived all of that.
If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
My Ex texted me."please delete my number."I replied,"Who`s this??"
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes...
I hate when I`m about to hug somebody really sexy and my face hits the mirror!!
Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart? hmm...
Scent is the sense most tied to memory. "Common" is the sense least tied to people.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I`m like, that`s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I`m more fun than I actually am
Share this if you know someone who is alive today simply because you don`t want to go to prison.
One way to find out if you`re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you`re young, if they panic, you`re old.