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I`m trying to live healthier......but I`m considering taking up cigars, since they`re still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.
They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.
I`ve been spending so much time on Facebook, that I forgot the internet has porn.
There is no better indication of how drunk you are than how loudly you declare that you`re not.
Somebody needs to invent a voice-activated refrigerator on wheels.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn`t concentrate.
If you`re sick and tired of every Asshole on Facebook asking you to copy and paste stuff as your status, please copy and paste this as your status.
Sometimes I feel like people I know are just using me for my likes.
I guess not everyone at this grocery store is as comfortable with my nudity as I am. ;)
WTF, I feel like I pay these bills every month.
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary: 1) There are 1`s and 0`s 10) There are no 2`s
Me and my recliner...we go way back.
I pulled my wife`s panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.
I think stupid people were put on this earth to test my anger management skills.