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I really would love to see two mimes arguing.
Question : if you fart at the gym can people wearing headphones still smell it? Asking for a friend
At long last, I`ve finished my research into the effect alcohol has on physical movement.....The results were, quite frankly, staggering.
“Have you tried just drinking ALOT of vodka?”- me as a therapist
I’m in a long distance relationship. Sure, some people refer to it as a restraining order, but still.
"2 weeks with my baby xoxoxo" lol,calm down romeo&juliet.
"I have no idea. Why don`t you just Google it?" —My answer to just about every question I`m ever asked
Facebook should just change it`s name to "People You May Want to Avoid."
Does anyone else get scared when a text reads "Can I ask you a question?"
Whenever I`m feeling down... I try to make sure my nails are clipped.
I`m right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%?
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
So I wanted to publicly apologize for not doing the ice bucket challenge for everyone that nominated me. I don`t give money to charity, unless she is on stage B at 11:30.
Nobody talk to me until I`ve Instagrammed my coffee.
Some days you just can`t get home to your liquor fast enough