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My interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason I drink wasn`t there
Don`t blame me. You`re the one following a 41 year old man who just jumped into his bed like an Olympic athlete because scary monsters.
It`s Friday! High-five some sh!t!
If you`ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you`ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
I hate it when you follow your dreams and wind up in a dumpster in the back ally of an IHOP.
It`s weird how after they couldn`t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King`s men were like "Let`s give the horses a shot at it"
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting that you do.
Ice cream is clearly God`s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
HANGOVER!!!!! it`s God`s way of sayin "u kicked a$$ last night"
Grown up pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out Iām not fat. Iām a panda.
The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house ... I got the outside.
The only hunger games i care about involve plastic hippos.
Scientists have yet to explain how 300 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only 4 registers will be open.
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don`t try to run her life and I don`t try to run mine.
Procrastination............I`ll make a joke about it later.