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I wish more people were fluent in silence.
You’re going to make some cats very happy one day.
FYI: The signs that say "Falling Rocks"....I tried it.....it doesn`t.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Change is hard. Seriously, have you ever bit a nickel?
If you don`t put your leftovers in Tupperware for like at least two weeks before throwing it in the trash... you`re doing it wrong.
I said "sad face emoji" instead of actually frowning today if you want to know how out of touch with reality I am.
I`m out of bacon. This is my suicide note.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I`m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
It`s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions. Kids... I meant my kids.
When I hear someone say they hear voices in their head, I wonder if they’re just thinking for the first time.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Did you know you can go to any gym without having to announce it on Facebook?
Dieting Tip, 1. Make a list of people who have a problem with your weight, 2. Cut them out of your life. 3. Enjoy having lost Hundreds of pounds of Idiots.
When I was little I didn`t care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me. Looking back at some of my old pictures, it`s obvious that my parents didn`t care either.