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Me, watching the Olympics: "That was impressive." Announcer: "ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!"
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When i quized him on it, he reckoned he could stop aaaany time . . . .
A cash bar on parent-teacher conference nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.
I hate girls who insert the phrase "my boyfriend" into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.
Steve Jobs` text was meant to say: "I reign as CEO of Apple" Iphone autocorrect strikes again!
hate it when someone says they are miserable when their profile picture says otherwise.
The only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of women and having ALL of them like it.
I don’t mind going to work. It’s that eight-hour wait to go home that bugs me.
First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes not making any decisions and feeling guilty about asking for blowjobs.
I own a shop selling `CLOSED` signs. We haven`t had a single customer today.
My dinner stomach is full, but my dessert stomach still has room.
Is it weird that I`m 43 years old and have a secret handshake with 3 adults.....and my dog?
Every Girls Night Out has at least one crier.
I mostly use Facebook to remember why I stopped hanging out with certain people.
Research shows that 100% of the time when someone says “oh no she didn’t!” she most definitely did.