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If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
Oh, he uses you for sex? Stop bitching…Sex is awesome. Complain when he’s using you for laundry….. or a human shield.
If I were the guy who made the Where’s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn’t there.
I know they didn`t ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax returns.
I really need to clean the house, but I`m thinking it`d be a lot faster to burn it down and start from scratch...
Learn a lesson from your dog. No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that crap and move on.
I’m hopelessly addicted to placebos ..I’d give them up, but it’d make no difference.
There`s something I need to get off my chest: Darned Cheetos crumbs.
I wish conversations were like user agreements, where I could skip to the end and just agree.
I don`t need an excuse to drink, but thank you for giving me one.
Plumber: you have hard water. Me: you mean like ice?
Found a note on my door today that said ”You’re Awesome!” ... Yes, I wrote it yesturday. But still, the truth is the truth.
If you fall, I`ll be there - Floor
I party until the taxi with the pretty red and blue lights picks me up.
One of the saddest days of my life was when I heard that bears sleep for half the year and I realized I had been born the wrong species