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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is a complete idiot.
I don`t hate you, but if you we`re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Were this to be an actual emergency you’d be screwed, because no one takes this seriously.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
I hate it when people are holding a device capable of using google and they ask me stupid questions.
Coworker drank the last of the coffee and now he`s going to the clinic for a `work related` injury.
My brother didnt take kindly to jail. He refused food & drink, and smeared feces on the walls. That`s the last time we`re playing Monopoly.
The grass is always greener over the septic tank
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you`re nuts.
Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I`ll never get to touch.
I don`t know if my stomach is growling cuz I`m hungry or if that`s my liver crying cuz it`s the weekend.
Ohio - High in the middle, and round at the ends.
When I say "Have a nice day." Remember the f*cker on the end is silent.
This ad says: "3 out of 5 smokers die" Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Wal-Mart: Because going to Target requires a shower.