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Sarcasm: because snapping a neck is frowned upon in a court of law.
I like to finish all of my drive thru orders with, "And that`s for here."
Normal trees probably look at Christmas trees all dolled up and think .. "Whore"
What do you mean I didn’t win, I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else.
Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
Coffee is nature’s way of saying “Go ahead, get drunk on a weeknight, I got your back!”
Right now I`m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I`ve forgotten this before.
Holding my breath until someone likes this status.
Sure you can try and tell me what to do. Or you can keep your teeth.
My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine`s Day she’s getting a magazine rack
When Life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.
You don`t get smarter as you get older. There just aren`t any stupid things left that you haven`t already done.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
If you have to tell us that you`ve been going to the gym, you probably need to go more often....
New Study: Long-term beer drinking can lead to depression, also known as "running out of beer."