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Lets face it we have all tried to get something done before the microwave timer goes off.
I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".
Nothing is more dangerous than a woman “gathering her thoughts”.
Do stupid people ever hit a point in their life, where they realize they’re stupid?
Are you tired of every day being the same? Congratulations, you’re an adult!
I stick pins and needles in the people I don`t like because can`t afford voodoo dolls.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
If someone starts a sentence with "words can`t express," brace yourself, because they`re about to give it a hell of a try anyway.
Awkward moment when you don’t know if you were offered gum out of generosity or if your breath stinks.
Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it.
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure, When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure, When you drink Whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems, When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems. Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
I wish I could commute by roller coaster.
I always try to behave but there are usually too many other options.
Any of you had a friend that borrowed your sh!t and kept it for so long you had to borrow it back..