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Whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks..I`m in public.
Call me crazy, but I don`t think I really need to be in this mental institution.
It`s a little disappointing when you`re watching a school basket ball game & no one turns into a werewolf.
If you ever question yourself, your life choices, your sanity...just watch an episode of Hoarders and you`ll be all good.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself; everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth that it brings.
I wish Noah would have swatted those two mosquitoes.
I think Facebook is the Malaysian plane of the internet. No one on here has been seen by their family in weeks.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.
Mark my words: In a year, the leading cause of death will be “Beaten to death with a selfie stick”
Dear Fork, I understand that we haven`t spoken since I ran away with dish, but I thought you should know that you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair. Sincerely, Spoon
Wives give sound advice. 99% sound, 1% advice.
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, Knock over a lamp, and kill a cat.
Apple and Blackberry should team up and make a phone called the Pie.