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Years ago, my girlfriend said, “It’s me or the beer!” I wonder how she doing…
I will not be satisfied until I see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means he can eat anything off the floor if he waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
I’ve never been in love but I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
I wish I could use Shazam to identify people when I cant remember their name.
It`s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Apparently "Fat Tuesday" doesn´t constitue telling fatties they´re fatties.
I believe in helping the homeless. That`s why every year I buy a new refrigerator and throw away the box.
I have a kid in Africa I inoculate, feed, clothe and send to school for only $1 day. It cost a lot to send him over there though.
I`m about to eat gas station breakfast. Tell my family that I love them.
Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color 8.
I`m just looking for a reason not to drink
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the "tasty" box.