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“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
When people tell me "you`re going to regret that in the morning" I sleep in until noon because I`m a problem solver
Have you noticed that it`s only the married squirrels that hurl themselves in front of your car......
I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.
You`re probably wondering how I post so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
"Grapey." -me after every wine at the wine-tasting
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called “Identity Theft”.
I`m glad I know sign language. It`s pretty handy.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement. -Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90`s TV
Nothing hides your feelings like the backspace key.
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the shit out of you.
Marry someone who can cook. Love fades, hunger doesn`t.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.
Ask not what your father can do for you, but what you can do for your father. Happy Fathers Day!