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I`m sure the fellow below don`t have big feet :(
I`m in the awkward time period between not wanting to have pants on, and having to wait for the pizza guy right now...
I don’t understand how people have to “get ready for bed”…I’m always ready for bed.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
If your significant other is mad at you, put a cape on them and say "Now you`re super mad!" If they laugh marry them.
I don’t write children’s books because the last page would always say: "Now shut up and go to sleep."
Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
If practice makes perfect, one day I will make the perfect mistake.
Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...
It`s not hotter this year. It`s just that you are fatter and there is more surface area for the sun to hit.
Adding "and sh!t" at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.
She heard me call her a bitch so now I have 100 problems.
You`re annoying, but honestly, I`ve been annoyed by better.