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Society has put an unnecessary amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.
You don`t see faith healers working in hospitals, just like you don`t see psychics winning the lottery every week.
You’d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
I don’t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence…but hey, somebody has to do it!
What if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs?
I had cheese, but no crackers ... I was cracka-lackin
I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I`m trying to unlock it more than two times, I`m driving off without you.
Tonight I’m going to have my favorite drink. It’s called “a lot.”
Everytime I see a person jogging I already know they have facebook, everyone on facebook works out.
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
If tomatoes are classed as a fruit, then doesnt that mean that ketchup is technically a smoothie? ... hmmm
You may think I`m a loser, but to my goldfish, I`m the god of flakes.
I`m smiling, that alone should scare you.
After reading some marriage post, I`m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.