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Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right? Eve: Uh yeah, totally
My eye problems starts on Mondays and ends on Friday evening. I see clearer after the fourth bottle.
When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”
Anyone else see the irony in Disney World?.. You know, the fact that it`s a giant human trap, ...set by a mouse.
This status was brought to you by me being bored on the toilet.
Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%
With all the technology available now, you’d think they’d have found a way to grow apples without those little stickers.
My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry. In my defense, I didn`t even know she sold jewelry.
The first snow of spring is always the most beautiful
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.
Don`t kiss behind the garden . Love is blind but the neighbors are not :P
Do I misuse contractions? Yes, but it`s what it`s.
I`m living in a drama-free bubble today. Respect the bubble, people, respect it!
To avoid being eaten by Zombies go to "settings", "public", and uncheck the box that says "Facebook users taste like chicken"