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I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
Just woke up next to my bed. Not sure if I fell out or didn`t quite make it in.
I`ve polished the mirror in the bathroom so much, you can see your face in it.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn`t have self-checkout lanes when we bought condoms.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Iron man is a super hero, Iron woman is a command.
So far I`m 0 for 276 for walking around the block in hopes of finding a bag of money on the side of the road.
When you screw up, menopause can be a wonderful excuse for stupid things you do or say!!!
Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.
You know it`s gonna be a sh!tty day when you put your bra on backwords and it fits better.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
It`s as if none of these people have ever seen a beer hat at the gym before.
If you watched the story of my life backwards, you`d see an incredibly inspirational story about hair growth, weight loss, and vastly improved athletic ability.
You know you are in the hood when your portable GPS says “Drive faster and put me under the seat.”
Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don`t have to see, touch, or smell them.