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Summer vacation: Where you drink triple, see double and act single.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions
As a community service, I send random inmates letters how my life is going to cheer them up.
I don`t have ADD. It`s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the employees I shoved to the ground while screaming
Even though I`m only 29, I know I`m going to die a bitter, lonely, miserable old man ... I`m married.
Flu (noun) - The only time when having used tissues laying next to your bed is socially acceptable.
I’ve decided to get rid of my bad habits…just as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back... Without the receipt, apparently.
I need to learn the rules to make sure I don`t accidently follow them
If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.
Basically the whole point of Facebook is so you can see if you’re prettier than your ex’s new girlfriend.
The lady next to me in the elevator told me to press One. That was the last thing I remembered
I just quit my job at the helium bottling plant. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!
I don’t drink to forget, I… what was I saying?