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I bet Waldo’s parents are worried sick.
We laughed, we cried, we tried another credit card.
I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
A dog running a hundred miles to retrieve a stick? That`s pretty far-fetched.
Love is grand. Divorce is 100 grand.
I don’t like people who can’t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "lottery winner".
You only live once is the most reassuring thing I`ve ever heard.
If you`re really really quiet, you can hear yourself doing the world a favor.
The internet...turning cowards into tough guys daily.
I don’t care what women say, size matters in bed. The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.
Sex in the City is the prequel to The Golden Girls, right?
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it`s all screaming and sh!t.