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Do trolls even live under bridges anymore? Or have they all relocated to the Internet?
My dog`s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I`d like it to be.
Do gun manuals have Trouble Shooting sections?
I`ve been hiding from exercise. I`m in the fitness protection program.
Dearest Neighbors, Please do not call the police, it`s not domestic violence or a wild party. It`s football season, that`s just me screaming at my TV.
Always remember, it`s better to arrive late than to arrive ugly.
McDonalds ... closing thigh gaps since 1967.
Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.
The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly
Someone just called me normal, I`ve never been so insulted in all my life!
I don`t blame Monday. I blame Saturday for not matching my Powerball numbers
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I`m just cooking!"
I bet the women who only post about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my lovers hair. It`s a nice way to let them know my love and also that we`re out of napkins.