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My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I`d have to stay away from carbs. So I`ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you`re looking for a business manager.
I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.
Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.
People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.
I should win an Oscar for acting like I`m busy at work.
They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what! Who wants to be in a hurry?!?
Somehow, hitting the "end call" button on the cell phone just doesn`t feel nearly as good as the old days when you could slam the phone down on somebody.
I used to play sports. Then realized you can buy trophies. Now I´m good at everything.
I just googled "Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don`t Fear the Reaper?" and my first response was, "Go outside and do something."
I wonder if monsters ever get scared that we might be hiding under their bed?
I`m sorry I slapped you but you didn`t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
If you feel lonely... dim all lights & put on a horror-movie. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore
You haven’t truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever.”