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Falling in love is lot like dying, you never get to do it enough to become good at it.
Where do suicide bombers go when they die? Everywhere.
the jeremy kyle show, the only place you`ll see a six month old baby with more teeth than thier parents
"Probiotic" sounds a lot better than "bacteria infested"
A word of advice, stay on my good side. My good side is in Hawaii.
Feeding my kid cold pizza. They will be off to college soon and preparation is the key to success.
The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.
Before coffee: Hates everybody. After coffee: Feels good about hating everybody.
Hello everyone. Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn’t mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You’re on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like.
You ever read a status, and you`re like, `what a f*ck up` and then you realize you`re on your own page?
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
If it makes you feel better, don’t call it “Premature Ejaculation.” Call it “Speed Dating”
I kinda like zombies...but can we go ahead & decide whether they can run fast or just walk? ... my apocolypse plans depend on it ... thanks!
be smart, pretend to be stupid!
Friending someone on Facebook and complaining about what they post is like phoning someone to tell them you don’t want to talk to them.