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Half the journey is knowing where you’re parked.
It`s a beautiful day, think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit.
Is it wrong to tell a knock knock joke to a homeless person ?
Every-time I run I hear Mario Brothers theme song in my head, and look for things to jump over.
don`t kiss the monitor, just ask me nicely..
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
I`m getting sick of these porn sites listing my videos as "amateur".
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don`t get married. If you are over 35, don`t get married. If you are 35, don`t get married.
Whenever I see a happy couple.... smiling, giggling, feeding each other food, whispering sweet nothings, very much in love..... I just wish I could give them a lie-detector test.
Paying a homeless man to pee on your ex`s windshield, is just about the most fun you can have with 5 bucks.
I`m pretty sure if you watched a movie of my life backwards it probably would be about a guy who refills beer cans and puts them in the fridge.
50% of people believe sex is "the connecting of two people`s souls through two people`s bodies, as one." The other 50% are men.
There`s no WE in pizza.
My favorite mythical creature is the happy b*tch in tampon commercials.
I`m 99% sure you think I`m weird. And I`m 100% sure I don`t care.