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I`m definitely the drunkest person in this ball pit.
Kiss her in the middle of her sentence so you don`t have to hear what she`s talking about.
Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri, "What do women want?" She`s been talking for the last 2 days and doesn`t seem ready to shut up anytime soon.
Back in my day, we didn’t have computers or the internet. Everyone had to walk uphill for days to tell me I’m an a$$hole.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit that one.
We have GPS that can navigate you across the country. Why can`t someone invent a device that can remind you why you went into a room?
Sometimes you can just tell it`s going to be a "Does not play well with others" kind of day.
There`s a reason why natural disasters have female names.
How crazy is it that we used to say "three and a half inch floppy" with a straight face
I don`t think any of my vampire jokes will ever see the light of day.
Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
I want one of those jobs where people ask, “Do you actually get paid for doing this?”
Better to be incredibly weird than incredibly boring.
Black holes must be where God divided by zero.