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I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don`t have great childing skills either.
Walmart killed the traveling circus.
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
I don`t think we do get smarter as we get older. I just think we run out of stupid things to do.
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. No, it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can press the snooze button.
It`s a good thing Taylor Swift and Adele aren`t dating. Imagine if they broke up.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I`m alone I will look at them shocked and just quietly whisper.... "You can see me?"
I`m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
Keep calm and pretend today isn’t Monday.
Punctuality is a waste of time since no one is ever there to appreciate it.
I hear boomerangs are making a comeback.
Monopoly: Destroying friendships since 1904
They say that when one door closes, another one opens. Apparently, "they" have never been to jail.
I feel like doing something productive today. If I sit here long enough, maybe it will go away.
I`m so proud of myself, I spent all night putting my Christmas decorations up myself.. I`m now at the hospital having them removed