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The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I`m right.
I prefer to call it a “Ta-Da” list. Cause it’d be amazing if I actually accomplished anything on it.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Who decided to call the man purse a satchel and not a douchebag?
received a call saying that my son had been lying in school, and was being expelled. I don´t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar.
The only difference between Black Friday and a zombie apocalypse is that zombies don`t care if you get the last iPad Mini.
It usually only takes about five minutes into any conversation I’m having before people start shaking their head and quoting the bible.
I just saw a 3D printer at the UPS store. It`s kind of cool, but I won`t be impressed until it can print snacks...
I`d like to give you a big thumb`s-up. But I`m afraid that would be the wrong finger.
Basically anything you buy at the hardware store looks like you`re getting ready to take hostages.
I hear they designed the newest iPhone to fit perfectly in your hand, right where your money used to be.