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Boss: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I both know I don`t make enough money to have a drug problem
Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
Whoever is controlling me sucks at this game.
Roman Numerals...what are they good IV?
likes to end all my phone calls with "Ok, I`ll see you later on at the party!" and then quickly hang up. Let them figure it out.
The only difference between doggy style and reverse cowgirl is who wants to watch the TV more.
The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.
If your boyfriend answers your text while playing GTA, he doesn`t love you. He just died on the game.
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I`m going to get tonight.
I hear lots of doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis. Given that arthritis is "inflammation of the joints", it`s fighting fire with fire!
Just saw a guy driving while eating ice cream. F*cking sundae drivers.
I`ve run out of things to be upset about. I hope Justin Bieber has kids soon.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie
I know you’re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?