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Don`t half a$$ anything. F*ck it up all the way.
The amount of people who confuse "to" and "too" is amazing two me.
Once I made a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time.
I try to live my life by the saying: “You scratch my back and I’ll let you know when to stop.”
Parallel lines have so much in common, it`s a shame they`ll never meet
Being skinny might be nice, but having pizza is nicer.
I know you seen me continuously push the "close doors" button while you ran to the elevator. Now it`s just awkward
Just once would I like to see the "Phone a Friend" lifeline on Millionaire go straight to voicemail.
How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.” 3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a "judgment free" zone...unless we`re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Writing is a great career when people like hearing what you have to say but don`t want to look at you.
I don’t care how loud I’m laughing, I’m having fun and you’re not.
My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we’re not as connected as she’d like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and sent me a poem on Pinterest explaining how tired she was after a long day of work leading to her email. So I leaned over and kissed her good night.
Couldn`t stay awake sitting on the couch, so I laid down in bed to make sure I wouldn`t fall asleep
If you expect the world to be fair with you because you are fair with them....its like expecting a lion not to eat you because you don`t eat lion.