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I feel bad for kids nowadays who can`t get the toys they want because their parents have to be 18 or older to call.
Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
I`m a wealth of knowledge ... Unless you want it to be true, then I`m pretty solid on about 6 topics ... 2 of those might just be Doritos flavors
The hardest thing about returning to work after a long weekend is remembering to fart quietly.
is easily distracted by shiny objects.
I was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
I was fighting with this guy over who`s lazier. I let him win.
Unless you fell on the treadmill, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
I got a job at Bath and Body Works just so I can tell people to smell my finger...
I think I speak for everyone when I say we hate being spoken for.
A panda never pays his bills, because he eats shoots and leaves!!!
That horrible moment when the TV commercials are so long that you forget what you’re watching…
Just saw two homeless guys hitting each other with a piece of cardboard................PILLOW FIGHT!!!!!!
I wonder if strippers have nightmares about accidentally going to work fully clothed?