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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
I gotta ask you a sirius question....do you know the muffen man
Someday, I hope to be so rich that I`ll never be happy again.
If you don`t pay your exorcist do you get repossessed?
I’m going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
I can read Spanish, Chinese, Russian and Italian. As long as it`s written in english.
My wife told me that her favorite position is when I lay very very still wearing a toe tag and she starts dating again
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
It took me quite some time to be this good a procrastinator
If there`s a bar where everybody knows your name, you`re probably an alcoholic.
I’m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
I only party on 2 occasions. 1. When it’s my birthday 2. When it’s not…
Two things everybody wants: 1) Lose weight. 2) Eat.
I just bought some new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said to remove the top and push up bottom. My butt hurts now but every time I fart the room smells awesome.