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Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn`t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
There are two types of people in the world: 1. People who understand and appreciate sarcasm. 2. Morons.
My new years resolution is to try to actually finish someth
2 out of 3 isn`t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids.
I realized I eat too much fast food so I decided I would start cooking for myself. Does anyone here know how to "mcnugget" a chicken?
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Kohls.
I hate it when people call dogs "stupid". I mean, when was the last time you saw a dog step in human poop?
I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.
So impolite of people to sneak up on you while you’re talking sh!t about them.
My therapist says I`m paranoid, which is exactly what you might expect from a shapeshifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts.
Ahh..Monday, so we meet again ... You dirty bitch!!
Whoever said time heals all wounds never had their leg bitten off by a shark.
Thought I was having deja-vu. But it turns out, I do the exact same things every day.
The early bird needs a punch in the throat.
Any of you had a friend that borrowed your sh!t and kept it for so long you had to borrow it back..