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My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I`m having several tonite.
Does Facebook offer a 401(k)?
I stick pins and needles in the people I don`t like because can`t afford voodoo dolls.
only 9530 days until retirement.
Dude, I can`t post AND know when the light turns green. I`m pretty, not magical.
You have got to have worse hand-eye coordination than a lama on crack
At this age, I drive everything like I stole it because sometimes I forget which car is mine.
Dear Life, Please, use a Lubricant.
There would be a lot less people willing to run for public office if the losers were required to pick up all the lawn signs afterwards.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago...
Here`s to all the kids who have never found their name on anything in a souvenir store
Being a woman should count as a pre-existing mental condition.
I try and inspire at least one person everyday to leave me the f*ck alone.