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I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don`t have great childing skills either.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk while it´s still snowing
Never trust a married guys opinion of who`s hot. It`s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
Ladies, don`t say that men never listen... We can tell you every word of what was said during an NFL pregame or in-game broadcast.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
My dog doesn`t always bark like there`s an intruder in the house, but when he does he waits until I`m home alone and in the shower.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
This woman just flipped me off and I couldn`t agree more.
Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade`s gonna suck!
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn`t make the cut.
Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.
That one day of fame on Facebook because it`s your birthday.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!
You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.