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AA meetings would be better if AA stood for Alcohol Afterwards
"Oh Sh!t, Was That Today?" my autobiography
Does lying face down on this carpet make me look unsociable?
Three things I’m thankful for this time of year: Family, Friends, and Caller ID to avoid family and friends
I`ve been starting my diet tomorrow for the last 20 years.
Right now I`m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I`ve forgotten this before.
I think salads help you lose weight because they`re gross and you end up not eating them
I`ve been eating a lot of extra calories since daylight savings to make up for that hour of eating I missed.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You`re annoying enough as it is
Last night I was thrown out of the casino for misunderstanding the use of the Crap table.
It seems like the ‘L’ in my luck has been replaced with an ‘F’.
I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago...
Typical: you have nothing to wear for a party and suddenly the rabbits, the birds and the mice begin to sew you a dress
My wife looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped wearing them.
I think that a lot of conflict that happened in the Wild West could`ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.