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If thought bubbles appeared magically above my head I would be so screwed!
One man`s trash is another man`s profile picture.
If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Gray hair is the human body`s equivalent of low toner.
I have more conversations in my head than I do in real life.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people.
Car sex is not fun...that tailpipe BURNS
ATTENTION: Upon further consideration, I am once again pushing back the debut of my summer beach bod. Thank you for your patience.
When I`m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.
If there`s a bar where everybody knows your name, you`re probably an alcoholic.
Alarm Clock(n): An evil device invented by Satan to disrupt the peaceful sleep of otherwise happy folks at a predetermined hour.
Why don`t they just get Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Ugh... Seriously? If I get ONE more sexual advance on facebook, that will be.. like... a first.
"Sir your phone`s ringing." "Yeah, phones do that."