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If sex is said to be the best exercise, than why are there no fitness clubs for that. Now there`s idea. . .
You poor thing. You don`t even realize you`re batsh!t crazy, do you?
It is hard to imagine how people showed their anger before doors were invented.
Looking back.. I think I preferred you when I didn`t know you...
Mosquito landed on my friend`s face; easiest decision of my life.
Sometimes I order fajitas at a restaurant just to get more attention.
As I slide down this bannister we call life, you, and you alone, are the splinter in my ass
It`s 2014 and somehow we still don`t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
The three most terrifying words a woman can utter to a man are "notice anything different?"
Sometimes I wake up grumpy but sometimes I let her sleep instead..
The only way I know if I`ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger
You use Google every day but I bet you can’t remember the order of the colors.
I went to the missing persons` beurau. No one was there.
Why the hell isn`t the iphone`s battery life called "Apple Juice."