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As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.
so I got really drunk last night, but I was good and took a bus home. the only problem I have now is I dont remember where I put the keys to the bus.
That Awkward Moment when you Greet you Brother on some random website. Brett to Daniel. sup Lerch!
Life would be so much better if throughout the day we encountered randomly placed Piñatas
Homeless people should make more creative signs like "I bet you can`t hit me with a quarter...b!tch!"
My wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can`t see the mailbox when she`s backing up?
Its around this time each year that i just enjoy going outside and seeing my christmas lights already set up from the year before.
Apparently typos only become visible to the human eye after you hit send.
When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"
I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake
im so hungry, im farting fresh air
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you were expecting something romantic, but this is just gardening facts.
Are you supposed to get an email that says “HAHAHAHAHA” after signing up for Match.com?
So many fun things to say ... too many relatives on Facebook to post!
I test drove a car last month. Apparently, you`re not supposed to keep the car for a month. At least that what this cop is telling me.