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When you`re trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you`re probably drunk.
The thing about smart mother f*ckers is... They sound like crazy mother f*ckers to dumb mother f*ckers!
Hmmmm, thats odd. . . .According to this height / weight chart. . . . I`m too short.
The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.
Just Failed my Health and Saftey Test.The question was,"What steps would u take,in case of a fire?!"Big f*cking ones"was the wrong answer.
The path to inner peace begins with 3 simple words....Not my problem.
Life is like a box of chocolates and you`re on a diet so you can`t even enjoy it.
Running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eggs
It`s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
I can’t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it`s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
I don’t have a problem with friends who ask to borrow money. I love a good laugh as much as the next guy.
I’m still kind of pissed they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.