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I’m starting to think that the gym isn’t really for me. I went this morning and laid down on the mat to do some sit-ups. I woke up 2 hours later.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Send me a text like a normal person.
I`ll take "who the f*ck would know that" for $600, Alex.
Well, THAT Jehovah`s Witness isn`t going to forget anytime soon what they witnessed when I answered the door.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have Internet.
It`s not you, it`s me. I just don`t like myself when I`m around you.
Online personality tests are pretty self-explanatory… If you’re taking the test, chances are you don`t have one.
Give fat people a break. They have a lot on their plate.
I was bitten by a mosquito last night. Bet that little bastard is pretty hung-over today
My mind says go to the gym but my heart says food.
"We`d be rich if you just said one f*cking word" - me, drunk, talking to my dog
Confession #156: I always prepare myself before stepping on the escalator
Beach people are fickle. One minute you`re the loser with a bucket of cold fries and the next they`re terrified of the Lord of Seagulls.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.