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I know a lot of women who should substitute their lipstick with glue sticks.
All the guys in working out photos look like they`re straining or in pain, but there`s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy. Just saying.
Sorry I yelled "April Fool`s" while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
I just gotta believe that as a species we`re capable of making an automatic hand dryer that`s quieter than an airplane.
If by angry birds you mean flipping off a$$holes while driving then yes I`m at the expert level of Angry Birds
I was about to do something awesome, again, but I told myself “Enough is enough, that’s plenty of awesome for one day”
I`m not saying I`m bilingual but if you shout at me in German I`ll probably do whatever you want
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.
Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people`s backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching.
I have no idea what swag is, but I`m fairly certain what I have is the opposite of whatever it is.
Slipped on black ice today, I thought it was regular ice at first, but when I stood up, my wallet was gone.
Nothing says IDGAF like an old lady at a slot machine wearing oxygen and smoking a cigarette.
I bet guys that work at strip clubs are "hard" workers...
I test drove a car last month. Apparently, you`re not supposed to keep the car for a month. At least that what this cop is telling me.