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To understand paranoid people better, follow them around
My credit rating is so bad I got turned down for a magazine subscription.
I used to be a class act......or clown,as my 7th grade teacher would tell my parents!!
I`m all over that like a fat kid on a Smarty
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
This guy keeps asking me to help pet his neglected, one-eyed trouser snake. What a sweet guy! I think he`s a vet. Ladieeees! A doctor!!
The worst thing about finding out Santa isn`t real is that you realise it was your parents who were to blame for all the terrible presents
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
Don`t forget to get your hurricane glasses before looking at it.
Am I the only one who closes the silverware drawer with an epic pelvic thrust?
It`d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Calories: the little creatures that go into your closet every night and hem the waistline of all your clothes inch by inch
Some people walk into your life and leave footprints on your heart. Some people walk into life and make you want to leave footprints on their face
If you think husbands aren`t good listeners, whisper "Come here, I`m naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.