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I consider my body less of a temple and more of a ruin.
Before having any kids make sure you’re done sleeping and doing things you like to do.
I think I really have an amazing butt. Every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say "what an ass.."
To the 84yo woman that won the $591 million dollar PowerBall, sup baby ;)
I`m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Nothing screws up your Friday more than realizing it’s only Tuesday.
I`m at my most likable before you get to know me.
My girlfriend asked me to send some dirty pics. So I sent her a picture of my sink full of dishes. :)
For the record, you`ll need a turntable needle.
Sometimes I`ll go out in public and socialize with people, those times are called alibis.
I carry a yoga mat, but it`s only because I get sleepy after lunch
There`s nothing like hearing the laughter of a baby. Unless it`s 1AM and you`re home alone.
QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!
I know the light has changed twice people but I`m playing air drums until Moby Dick is over...sit back and enjoy the show please...
Sometimes I send status updates from my phone so it looks like I left the house.