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If you give me a phone number or directions while I`m on the phone with you, just know that I`m using my very best finger pen and air paper.
So, all theses years I thought it was the dyer making my shirts not fit. now I`m pretty sure it the refrigerator.
Cubic Zirconium`s slogan should be: Guys can fake it too!
When I`m bored I like to dress in a grim reaper costume and stand across the street from the nursing home and wave at the old folks.
I just gotta believe that as a species we`re capable of making an automatic hand dryer that`s quieter than an airplane.
I bought my mother in-law one of those atomic clocks. I can`t wait for the alarm to go off.
How come the voices inside of a crazy person`s head never say shit like "hey, go to the gym" or "hey, cure cancer" or "hey, don`t be crazy"?
Liquid sanity: I call it alcohol..!!
Note to future self: Tequila is a liar. You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
It`s Saturday morning. My neighbor has mowed his lawn AND weeded his garden. I`ve spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and sighing heavily and crossing her arms and holding in a fart.
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening
I feel like I`ve passed my "Best If Used By date."
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.
Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines.