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My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand.
My hobbies include working out, staying fit, eating healthy, and lying.
I need coffee in my life more than I need most people.
Guess what`s brown and sticky... a stick.
Why isn`t Hungary`s capital city called "Very"
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Just found out I`m pregnant. At least that`s what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.
Elderly people used to always nudge me at weddings and say "You`re next."What got them to stop is when............I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
There is always light at the end of the tunnel. It might be a train or a truck so dont let it hit you.
Only you can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
I’m not implying you’re stupid. I’m saying it outright. Here, I wrote it in crayon to help you understand.
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.