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My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.
I have a confession to make. I was born with a rare disease called “Amazing.”
According to my neighbor’s journal, I have boundary issues.
Putting vodka in my juice, because it`s Russia somewhere.
I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.
Saying that your company has been in business since the 1800`s isn`t a selling point. Slavery existed then too...
Every time I start to feel happy I remember the shingles virus is already inside me.
You better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout I`m telling you why...we have our own problems and nobody cares about yours.
I once wrestled an anaconda for 4 straight hours... Then I realized I was just masturbating.
My motto is "Never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto...
I`ve started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.
Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I’m married to her and I don’t even have a chance.
To whoever said “fight fire with fire”: do you actually test your own advice before giving it?
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
All cookies are "bite size" if you believe in yourself enough.