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Nothing makes me turn off my car and start leisurely Facebooking than someone honking at me to pull out of a parking space.
3yo just yelled "face-five!" & slapped his brother in the face. I`m totally using that at work tomorrow.
I like to imagine that braille on random public signs often says: “How did you know this was here?”
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
If your camel toe looks like a elephants hoof, you might want to rethink the yoga pants.
Stalking is such a strong word. I perfer the term surveillance expert.
Just saw Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter... So that`s how it happened! I knew what I learned in history class was a bunch of crap!
Had a pizza today without extra cheese. Dieting is hard
Jesus said to love your neighbour like you love yourself. Thats a nice saying but if Martin from next door thinks he`s getting a handjob he can f*ck off!
In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a sh!tty lock.”
Can anyone tell me how to become a illegal immigrant, their benefits are undeniably more superior to our own.
To a cop, doing donuts in a parking lot has a whole different meaning.
I tried sniffing coke once but the ice cubes kept getting sucked in my nose!
Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?
Suddenly I can`t remember if it`s ok to use tampons as Nerf darts or if it`s the other way around.