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All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
I`m introducing a new calendar system: B.C. = Before Children. A.D. = After Divorce.
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was a big white bear with no sexual preference.
How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that Iām right.
I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I`m in whey over my head.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially since his name is Mike.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I am going to the liquor store and I`m scared that it`s closed.
Try trick or treating in spandex... I`ve seen how much it can hold.
I hate it when I have guests at my house and they ask "Do you have a bathroom?" No, we poop in the yard.
Well if you didn`t want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?
New Study: Long-term beer drinking can lead to depression, also known as "running out of beer."