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Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, “Close Enough.”
I like to keep my friends close, and my attractive friends even closer.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik`s Cube to solve it
If you`re going take a bathroom picture, at least clean it off. I can`t see anything through all the toothpaste.
Everytime I find the key to happiness, somebody changes the lock.
If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you`re wrong. I`m wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.
I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he ended up fixing the washing machine after all.
If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don’t try and out clever me with your comment. I don’t come over and blow out your candles on your cake.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
I sure do feel a lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.
The funny moment when a fat kid says "that`s how I roll".
I`m afraid of a world run by adults who were never spanked as kids and got trophies just for participating.
According to WebMD I have déjà vu... but not only that, I also have déjà vu according to WebMD.
In the interest of improving the workplace, my company has put up signs that say: CAUTION. OPEN DOORS SLOWLY ... My best time so far is 7 min.
When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his happy place and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new happy place. If that isn`t the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves, I don`t know what is!