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If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.
I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
Is going to bed! Hopefully the Cleaning Fairies will come and clean my house tonight! Wishful Dreaming i guess!
I`m going to buy a new dictionary. After watching Final Destination 5, I clearly don`t understand the meaning of Final.
I´m pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and I´ll let you know.
When someone ask me... How are you?... I answer back... You mean in bed?
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying "gracias" at Mexican restaurants.
When people say things like "You can`t change the past" I can`t help but wonder what it must be like to have that brilliant of a mind.
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.
Which one of you is Moderation? I keep getting told we need to drink together.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
I`ve been married twice. The next wife I have will be someone else`s and she can just go home when she`s mad at me.
Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me .. It´s Sunday.
You can`t always decide who walks into your life, but you can decide which window to throw them out of.