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i honestly hate saying sorry but when i do i really mean it :-)
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of Alcohol
Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria’s Secret when I can hold your boobs up all day for free.
Thanks to the State Farm commercial now I want a Falcon.
It`s like my golf instructor thinks I`m mature enough to handle him talking about balls, and how to properly grip the club.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
And then I was all: “I’m really getting sick of your shit, bitch.” And then she was all: “To speak with a representative please press 7.”
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
God created the world in 7 days but took 9 months to create me. So clearly I’m a big deal...
When life gives you lemons... all you need is tequila (and salt).
Homes are 750 square feet larger today than they were 30 years ago. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.
I would`ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited `til it was dark instead.
Looks like you have a lot on your mind. Do you wanna drink about it?
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She`s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don`t negotiate with terrorists!!