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Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it.
Behind every beautiful song is a person who really shouldn`t sing it out loud in public
Yes, bitches be trippin’ but maybe I pushed one.
How did the person who invented the first clock know what time it was?
Facebook is cheaper than therapy, twice as effective & you can do it naked.
the only correct answer to are u ticklish? is i have explosive diareha right now
2011: Come at me bro! 1800`s: Advance towards me brethren!
Eventually, the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons. Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphics.
I`ve never done any mistake twice... three, four times may be!
If you enter a room and there`s no food, you`re in the wrong room.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing Domino`s."
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, nobody else wanted them either :)
I stopped watching the History Channel because it`s so outdated.
I`m off and running like a wounded herd of turtles on valium
You find it offensive?... I find it funny.... That`s why I`m happier than you