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More food should come with prizes inside it.
Do bees even have knees?
My wife was afraid of the dark......then she saw me naked.........now she is afraid of the light.
"Lazy" is a strong word. I prefer to call it selective participation.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it ... I`m gonna miss that baby...
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where the f*ck is my remote?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch dumbass."
I`ll decide whether it`s a compliment or sexual harassment.
I don’t know why Tampax and Hershey have not joined forces yet. Taping a pack of Reese’s to a box of tampons could literally save lives.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "lottery winner".
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling as I butter a donut
If only I did everything with the same precision in which I craft my sandwiches.
I`m not mental, other wise the rubber duckies would have told me by now...
"This isn`t my first rodeo" -Guy at his second rodeo
I want my tombstone to say "It didn`t make me stronger."
If you`re not afraid when someone is flipping through the photos on your phone then you`re probably boring.