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Never look back. That’s where all the monsters are.
When your wife or girlfriend asks,"Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?
Do you know what sexual position produces the ugliest children? ... Go ask your mother.
I wish my car was fueled by my lack of desire to go to work.
Forget resolutions, Imma just say from now on... TGIS "Thank God I Survived" ! :)
My neighbor was singing in the shower again this morning. I didn’t mind though as I can`t hear anything through the telescope.
Just found out I`m pregnant. At least that`s what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
If animals spoke our language we`d be in their debt because they`d have some seriously incriminating dirt on all of us.
If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely!!
The only sit up I do is the one I use to get out of bed.
I never run with scissors. (those last two words were unnecessary.)
Go ahead, post sober. Ruin everything.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k … I don’t think I can run that far!
Fact: You wish Facebook had the middle finger button.