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You`re uglier than..... well, you`re the example.
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
I`ll show up at the gym when they put in a drive-thru.
Step One: Always have a solid alibi.
Plastic Surgery is Photoshop for people who go outside.
I`m fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.
A fun thing to do is comment "that ain`t the girl you were with at the bar the other night" on all my married friends Facebook family photos
If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can`t have a headache and sex at the same time?
I just keep telling myself you guys don`t have sex either.
why do i feel like you are reading this
Some people`s lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.
I wish they all could be Jerry Springer girls.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, "When I was your age I didn`t believe in reincarnation either".
"This is groundbreaking stuff." - Inventor of the shovel
Subway only exists because we`re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together. "Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here`s $8."