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My boss said we needed to find ways to save time and be more productive, so I just moved the coffee maker to my desk
Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
Any perfume that claims it will help you seduce a man is lying if it doesn’t smell like a pizza.
It`s not stretching if it doesn`t involve crazy dinosaur noises.
Probably the most exciting feature on the new Iphone is the way it upgrades simple phone theft into full on finger removal.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Relax, we`re all crazy. It`s not a competition.
I don’t appreciate the 5 minute radio ads about how commercial-free the station is.
I’m not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on.
If you are going to write in the dust on my car, please dont date it
people say nobody`s perfect..i made nobody!..
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
I’m off for a quiet beer. Followed by fourteen noisy ones.
If you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape.
I don’t drink to forget about problems. I drink to create new problems that that make the old issues irrelevant.