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If laziness was a sport, I would win first. Except I would have to send someone to except my medal.
When we are small, our mom`s would use really small forks as spoons to feed us...But what about Chinese moms? Would they use toothpicks?
Sex without love is merely healthy exercise.
There is no "we" in "bacon", so don`t even ask.
When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
Pro tip: The kids run around a little longer if you forget to hide the eggs
Who cares about throwing stones? How do people in glass houses hide when somebody knocks on the door?
My house looks like I`m losing a game of Jumanji.
My neighbors don`t appreciate it when I skip along the property line, singing "This Land is My Land."
I don`t plan anything as well as I plan which alcoholic beverage I`m going to consume once I leave work.
Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.
I taught my wife everything she knows about male stupidity.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you`re better off staying home with no pants on.
If the shoe fits . . . buy one in every color
The moment you empty your vacuum cleaner is the moment you become a vacuum cleaner.