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I`m super lazy today! Which is like normal lazy, but I`m also wearing a cape.
The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don`t know who to listen to anymore
Who else`s favorite Spring time game is "Guess how deep that pothole really is."
I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance! ..By driving away and not leaving a note.
My brain is about as well organized as the Walmart $5 dvd bin.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the f*ck is in a can of Raid?
Moving all my retirement funds into a Colorado snack machine franchise.
Take my advice, I’m not going to use it.
I know I don`t look like it but I`m really good looking!
Don`t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your `team of writers`
You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.
Little known fact: Walt Disney was the inventor of modern day text talk "M - I - C... C u real soon... K - E - Y... Y? Because we like u"
I don’t know who or what is doing it, but one day I will find the thing that continues to steal one sock and destroy it.
The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you.