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Never look back. That’s where all the monsters are.
No one sees you when you`re kind, no one sees you when you do a nice thing, but all will see on you when you fart.
You know you’re awesome when you know you’re awesome.
Just heard about the Obamacare deadline and I`m freaking out. I have so many questions. Who is Obama?
Imagine being naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog.
You call it "Road Rage". I call it "Aggressively maneuvering around a$$holes that don`t know how to f*cking drive."
I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.
I need medical attention, but I will settle for just regular attention.
If it wasn’t for profanity, I wouldn’t be a pro at anything.
The saddest thing about St. Patrick`s Day is taking down all my Christmas decorations.
It`s a bird.. it`s a plane..no wait..it`s a blade of grass....
I run a non-profit company. It`s not for a good cause or anything, I`m just not very good at business.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a wife who knows it all?
"Estimated Time of Arrival" on the GPS. Challenge accepted!
When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie