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I always get naked before I get in bed so I don`t know why this lady at Sears is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.
Got kicked out of the hospital. Apparently the “head nurse” is just the one in charge of the other nurses.
Someone once said that I should always treat other people how I would like to be treated. Now I`m facing sexual harassment charges.
What happened to all the Sour Patch parents?
I like to smile at people who don`t like me because I`m an asshole
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Your selfie would be way better if you weren`t in it.
My ex girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to dress up as herself and then act like a f*cking b!tch all the time.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I`m out in public. Thanks.
I know there are some people we say were dropped on their heads as babies. But there are others that were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall & fell out the window.
Don`t feel bad, alot of people don`t have talent either
When I wake up at night, I reach out to you, I love you not for what you look like, I love you for what you have inside - Me to my fridge
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.
When the kids come home from school they close the door then almost immediately open another door..... The one to the fridge!!!!