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A world without women would be a pain in the a$$.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I`m super lazy today! Which is like normal lazy, but I`m also wearing a cape.
Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don`t want to touch it any more than you do.
I have two feelings, it`s either "I`m hungry" or "I shouldn`t have eaten this much"
Marriage is like friends without benefits.
Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what`s going on and there`s a lot of wine drinking.
I`m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
I own a shop selling `CLOSED` signs. We haven`t had a single customer today.
Never change. Unless you’re an a$$hole. Then you should probably change a little.
I only say "bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume it didn`t take and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.