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Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I`ve learned that I don`t need to use so many paper towels, and they`re expensive.
Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?". I can`t believe kids this age are already so polite.
If at first you don´t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
The fridge is a clear example that what matters is what`s inside.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
If you use the word "gay" to desrcribe something that is "merry or happy" then you`re gay.
3 wishes for when I find a genie: 1. The more I eat the skinnier I get 2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist 3. Other kid owns a winery
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
The hardest question of the weekend.. can or bottle?
Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when you’re not in the royal family but in a dive bar.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won`t send my dog to obedience school
Yea, there is no "I" in team... but there sure is "ME".
Does swimming in debt count as cardio?
When the zombie apocalypse happens, I’m going to blast Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”, while the zombies chase us, just to lighten the mood.
"I’m definitely going to do that tomorrow.” — Me being delusional