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Let`s run away together.. Lol jk, I don`t run anywhere.
Why do they waste so much money on all the checkout lanes at Walmart, when they only have two of them open at any given time.
Now that football season is here, if anyone`s favorite team loses, they can just blame it on Trump.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Ex Girlfriend: Omg! I had a dream about you last night!! Ex Boyfriend: Aww thats so sweet, what happend? Ex Girlfriend: U died :)
Ironing boards are just surf boards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs.
I remember 2012 like it was yesterday.
Where do all the ice cream men go in winter?
I don`t think I can call myself an adult until I can accept the fact that "dry clean only" is not a dare.
I don`t need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure winter, fall asleep, and controll my high blood pressure
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Sometimes you have to photoshop your life. Touch up edges, adjust the tones, blur the background, focus on yourself & crop some people out.
Women, we don`t say this enough, but thank you...Thank you for not killing us in our sleep. Sincerely, Men.
They say you can tell how someone has sex by how they dance…. So ladies be prepared for a lot of counting and clapping.
There’s no excuse for laziness.. but if you find one, let me know.