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I`m boycotting Kix cereal because of all that kid testing.
Always have a goal. Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
Chocolate is a flavor of milk, and milk is a flavor of chocolate.
That`s a horrible idea ... What time?
How did the person who invented the first clock know what time it was?
Wine doesn`t have many vitamins. That`s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Does a transformer get car insurance or life insurance?
I wonder what it feels like to be wrong.
My life may be a mess but at least I didn`t make a harlem shake video.
My body is made up of 90% water, 5% pizza and 5% wine.
Instead of laughing my a$$ off, I`m going to start laughing my stomach off. I`d rather lose that.
That mind-blowing moment when you realize chores were really the crap your parents didn’t want to do.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…
I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.
Me: I only smoke weed because of Cancer. Mom: You don`t have Cancer! Me: So it`s working...