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The only "B" word you should call a woman is "beautiful"... B!tches love being called beautiful.
*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
There aren`t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
"It`s the little things in life that make you laugh," my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets fighting at Walmart.
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes...Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
People with 1 syllable names ruin the happy birthday song
I generally don`t hang out with people who are missing digits on their feet. It`s not that I`m a jerk. I`m just lack-toes intolerant.
People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.
When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn`t doing the same thing.
I’m a pervert, but in a romantic way.
This oatmeal tastes like I`m gonna need a doughnut.
If there is a wrong place and a wrong time, I’ll be there.
-buys lottery ticket -fantasizes about winning the lottery -smiles -loses lottery -resumes general hatred for life
If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years.
Thanks to Netflix I can tell my doctor I`ve done a lot of "marathons"