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If you try and don´t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
I have to wonder why we have "non-essential" government employees in the first place.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Dog Found: Now we are bros, so he`s staying. Don`t call, don`t make it weird.
Rolling out of bed is easy. Getting up off of the floor is another story.
The iPad Air is named after what`s left in your bank account when you buy one.
I wish I could veto MY bills.
“Get your panties in a bunch” would make a great slogan at Costco.
I am not judging you...I already decided I don`t like you
A show called the view shouldn`t hurt your eyes
no one is perfect thats why pencil have eraser
I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
I knew we were gonna be friends when you ran into that wall.
I am hungry 25 hours a day
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.