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Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,...Why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I`m less and less related to some of my relatives.
From now on, all of my posts will be written in Morgan Freeman`s voice. Please re-read this one to make sure it`s working.
One day, people are gonna write songs about the nap I`m about to take.
Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can’t wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie. 5% - That was a complete waste of money. 85% - I gotta pee!!
"Is that for here or to go?" —Real estate agent selling a mobile home
Remember when AT&T told you to "reach out and touch someone" and you ended up with that restraining order? ... Good times!
If ignorance is bliss then there`s a crap load of people in paradise
The only thing us men clean at home is our browser history
Actually officer, I`d prefer to think that vodka smells like me.
Part of me says I can´t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "Don´t listen to that guy. He´s drunk."
I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.
I`d like to help you out ... Which way did you come in?
I automatically assume you`re fat if your Facebook picture is a car
Every wanna answer every question with a middle finger? That`s kinda where I am today.