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Today I gave up procrastination for Lent.
I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
And we all have that one friend who has more blonde moments than an actual blonde.
I didn`t see anyone important yesterday, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes today.
I live for two reasons. 1) I was born. 2) I haven`t died yet.
I`m not the sort of person you should put on speakerphone.
I’d be unstoppable if it wasn’t for law enforcement and physics.
I got BOMBED last night and decided to do my own taxes and guess what! I`m getting 4 million dollars back this year!
A woman that doesn`t ask for nothing deserves everything
Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can`t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
Doc: ``Hows your headache ?`` Me: ``She`s at home``
A naughty thought is a terrible thing to waste
I give movies with 2 stars a 5 on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment ... If you`re attrative, it`s flirting.
Really, 6 more inches of snow today. My front yard is getting more action than me.