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Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
It’s embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn’t sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
I don`t care how much you like the soap. Never leave a public restroom smelling your fingers.
I wonder if the psycho hitchhiker ever gets picked up by the psycho driver. Now there`s a movie I`d pay to see.
My therapist says I have imposter syndrome. But come on, I`m not good enough to have something fancy like that.
“True beauty is within” for example opening your fridge.
Maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.
"I wanna f*ck you so hard right now." "What?!?" "Damn autocorrect, I meant hey."
If money can`t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
why do people with bad teeth always have a smile on there face
Eleanor Roosevelt once said "Do one thing every day that scares you" and that`s why I weigh myself in the mornings.
Who is the genius that decided Little League uniforms be white? My guess is Tide laundry detergent.
When I see someone yawn, I yawn. I wish it was the same with exercising....
Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for "Race," I add a question mark and then write, "Anytime. Anywhere."