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I think the only way I’ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I’m in prison.
I`m at my most relaxed around dogs and prescription drugs.
If you’re not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever you prefer.
Just once I’d like to learn something the easy way.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news.
Has anyone seen where I put my organizational skills?
This beer tastes like I’m going to text you later.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and my number of friends.
Helpful Tip: You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
A massage is just professional petting for humans.
I have tons of friends! Well i only have one... but she ways a ton!
How can there be more horses asses than there are horses?
The person next to me just farted.. Does this mean my lungs are full of his poo particles -.-
Pretty impressed at petrol station today, as i was filling up, i heard woman with truck at next pump say is that Vin Diesel, I smiled, then realised she meant Van Diesel :-/