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I cant believe I saw a woman wearing slippers in church today! I almost dropped my beer.
No one appreciates the special genius of your conversation like the dog does
I bet if the movie "mirrors" releases part 3, the 1st victim will die while trying to take a selfie
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more North.
I don`t see the point of sex if the neighbours don`t hear it.
Has anyone seen where I put my organizational skills?
Sometimes I get so mad at myself for being too lazy that I don`t even do anything about it.
You know it´s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with.. "Are you sitting down?"
Just saw a coyote next to the highway. I hope this tunnel ahead isn`t just painted on.
Fingerprints are proof that God doesn`t trust us
I`d rather run a marathon than listen to someone talk about running a marathon.
I`ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I`m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Volleyball = A more intense version of don`t let the balloon hit the floor.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Of all the people who "claim" not to give a sh!t, I`m pretty sure the guy standing barefoot in front of the urinal at the gym is the winner.