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They’re called scents, not flavors, I should not able to taste your perfume or cologne.
Everything happens for a reason. That`s why I drink to everything!
Screw getting an alarm system. I`ve seen Home Alone, I know what to do.
It may look like I`m doing nothing, but I`m actively waiting for my problems to go away.
I`m not lazy. I`m just highly motivated to not do anything.
My favorite drink is the fullest one on the table.
So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I`m on Facebook, I don`t have money or a life.
i make the other half of the Oreo watch.
It`s kind of weird that beams of electricity strike down from the sky and we`re all just okay with it.
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
I don`t think the guy below me understands how this works.
This status update contains many of the same words that appear on Pulitzer Prize winning novels.
Gone insane. Be back Tuesday.
Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I’m married to her and I don’t even have a chance.
roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poems.. you have nice boobs