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Funniest thing ever heard on TV. "Ward, you were a little hard on the Beaver last night"
Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.
I`d gladly eat raw eggs before my workout provided those eggs were inside brownie batter.
I do take my job seriously; To make sure there are no day old donuts at the local coffees shop.
I cleaned my room and still smells like smoke, stale beer and sweat. This is the last time I use "Mr. Sheen" cleaner.
U still drunk from last night or did u get a new buzz going this morning.
Facebook made billions by saying “Hey, remember that kid you haven’t seen since the third grade? He’s a parent who hates Obama now.”
Today is a great day. The mailman just delivered me an Iron Maiden cassette, which finally fulfills my Columbia House commitment.
My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except those between my eyebrows. Those are my `WTF` lines and those things are deep.
How old do I have to be when I can start pulling in front of cars without looking?
Why do single women take dating advice from other single women? That`s like Stevie Wonder giving driving directions to Ray Charles.
At the end of each day, life should ask us, `Do you want to save the changes?`
Question everything...Or should you?
?"May contain nudity".. either it does or it doesn`t.. quit waistin` my time.
The future was so much cooler in the past.