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I love tan lines... it`s like God came down and high-lighted all the good parts... ;-)
Remember the days when water was free and you had to pay for porn?
You guys make Facebook worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Make Tomorrow More Fun: Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold
Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili`s at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I`ve decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili`s.
I`m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it`s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I`m still better than you.
I know karate, jujitsu, judo, taekwondo and 28 other dangerous words. Still wanna` mess with me?
I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn’t “fun to be around.”
Why don`t you slip into something more comfortable, like a coma
The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app
When I`m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.
If you are offended by the words "In God We Trust" on your money, then send it to me. I don`t mind it at all.
It`s funny how as you get older you relate more to the villains in Disney than the Princesses.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.