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If you’ve ever used Urban Dictionary to compose or decipher a text, congratulations, you`re over 40.
Now that my kids are getting older, I`m worried I`ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
Is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep?
A simple "good morning beautiful" text could make any girl smile for the whole day. ..but knocking on the bathroom window first to ask her number sort of ruins it for some reason.
I`m not lazy, I`m in energy saving mode.
Wanna come over for pizza and sex? I`m just kidding ... there`s no pizza.
The key to eating healthy is to avoid any food that has a TV commercial.
Silence is Golden, unless you`re married.. Then Silence is Suspicious.
Who called them expiration dates instead of spoiler alerts
Being sick is your bodies way of saying “Hey, you really need to catch up on some TV”.
Me and my recliner...we go way back.
B!tch, please! You`re so fake, even barbie is jealous of you
A fun way to "Break up" is to tell them to "Go long" and then never throw them the football.
Be Poor... Its Cheaper :)
When a woman asks you for your opinion all she really wants to hear is her opinion repeated word for word but in your voice.