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Really had my heart set on waking up rich today.
I hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
Mrs Bieber.... WHY U NO USE CONDOM?
I hide my vodka in orange juice
Women say they love a man in uniform but when i go clubbing in my McDonalds uniform none of them will talk to me....I`m confused
The only people who care about my college degree are the college loan people.
Saw a Mime doing his gig. I reached into my purse and pretended to throw money in his hat.
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problems. 99% demons.
My mother suggested that I get professional help... and that`s when I hired my first hooker.
I love secretly placing a deck of cards on top of someones ceiling fan.
It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married, right?
Look, all I`m saying is that the dinosaurs didn`t drink alcohol and look what happened to them.
I keep my TV volume at "screw the neighbors".
When do you take 5 hr energy? Right when I get off work ..12am!..beer here I come!
They say do what you love & the money will follow. I love doing nothing. We`ll see.