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Sometimes my neighbors love my music so much that they invite the police to listen.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don`t tell me about your rough childhood.
I`m not sure why they gave all these other people cars.
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren`t in the database.
Worrying is a waste of time. It doesn’t change anything. It messes with your mind & steals your happiness.
Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you`re interrupting!
I think it`s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress so that I’ll have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
I might not be "Smarter Than a 5th Grader", but I can buy booze! Booyah!
Anybody wanna go halfsies on an orgasm?
Just sneezed 8 times in a row and saw the entrance to Narnia for a split second.
There`s nothing like the laughter of a baby....unless you`re home alone at 1 am...and you don`t have children...
Did you ever wonder why the cat was in the bag in the first place?
Some people are flirting with my delete & block button
Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful.