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I noticed you stopped taking your meds. Can I have them?
Oh my gosh! It`s a Hot Wheels car! Something you never want to hear during a prostate exam.
The first order of business for the 115th Congress: blaming everything on the 114th Congress.
A sofa is a vacation for your a$$...
Summer is almost over...All you half-naked people are gonna need to find a personality.
You call it "Blacking Out" I call it a "Surprise Nap"
“Nevermind.” Translation... You should’ve listened the first time.
Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they`re dead
I`d like to have a kid but I`m not sure I`m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where their shoes are.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, Netflix
It`s not that I CAN`T be good, it`s that I`m SOOOOO much better at being BAD!!!
I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can`t remember where I parked my car.
Thanksgiving is a great time to test the boundaries of how drunk you can get before your family members notice.
You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like.
I ordered an Asian hooker last night. She showed up 2 hours late. She loved me wrong time.