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In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
I’m crazy but not “LeBron is better than Jordan” crazy.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
I can´t wait until Weight Watchers comes out with a beer.
It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong .
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication!
Has marriage been on Mythbusters yet?
Shout out to all the ladies at church today in the same clothes from the club last night.
Whenever I see a happy couple.... smiling, giggling, feeding each other food, whispering sweet nothings, very much in love..... I just wish I could give them a lie-detector test.
If the Dollar Store ever starts selling alcohol....drinks are on me.
My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.
Somewhere, right now.. One of my Facebook friends is already drunk!
There is no vulnerable feeling like when you are about to sneeze ... with a mouthful of rice.
A fear of mine is a proctologist with poor depth perception!