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Do not treat a woman like an object. It hates that...
I would like to think that I`ll die heroic death saving someone`s life but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my shoelaces and choke on a spoonful of Nutella.
Why hasn`t anyone invented a button next to the snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
It was love at first sight...I should have looked twice.
I like to finish all of my drive thru orders with, "And that`s for here."
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance…the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning
How ignorant do I have to be before I start experiencing bliss?
I had a terrible dream about mufflers and now I`m exhausted.
I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".
Calling your girlfriend by her Moms name during a fight is a great way to escalate the situation.
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
There`s no rehab for stupid! ;P
I`m off to bed. For those of you who wish to add a touch of authenticity to your fantasies, the sheets are pale blue...
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It`s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
How do you make your wife scream during sex?? Call her and tell her about it.