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When they discover the center of the universe, alot of people will be shocked they`re not in it.
I prefer to be crazy and happy rather than normal and bitter......
I`d watch NASCAR if Hot Wheels designed the tracks.
Given the places I`ve had my tongue, no we cannot "just be friends".
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded
Deja poo. The feeling that you`ve heard this sh!t before.
A dozen roses: $12, a box of chocolates: $10, a Happy Valentines Day card: $2, still having $24 dollars because you`re single: priceless!
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said “too ugly to prostitute”
Why can`t Mosquitos suck Fat instead of Blood!
When people stare at me, I assume its because they are taking notes on how to be a bad a$$ motherf*cker.
Hitting the lotto is a sure way to stop hating on Mondays...
I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I`m at her place showing her how to open it.
Doing donuts in the parking lot sounds fun. Eating donuts in the parking lot sounds better.
Bad decisions make good stories.