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When you wish upon a shooting star, all your dreams will come true. Unless the star is really a meteor about to destroy the earth. Then, you´re pretty much dead no matter what you wish for.
There`s a time and place for wine, In my hand and now.
I have a disease called AWESOME...You don`t understand it since you don`t have it.
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
Steve Jobs` text was meant to say: "I reign as CEO of Apple" Iphone autocorrect strikes again!
I love you more than I hate everyone else.
I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn`t punch them in the head as soon as they got here.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn`t doing his part of the chores around here
Synonym: Word used in place of the one you can`t spell.
You know you`re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you`re down there.
If Kutcher went to Sheen and said It`s still your show, this was all a joke and yelled "You got Punked" it would be the greatest prank ever.
Just think, there is an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
Saw A bumper sticker that said "Fat People Are Harder To Kidnap" not sure if he was a proud fat man or a disgruntled kidnapper though.
Why do they call it "Jew-ish"? Are they not Jew enough?
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?