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When your wife or girlfriend asks,"Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it’s only Thursday.
Dear grumpy people: donuts are only $.99
Did you know that one minute of kissing burns 26 calories? No wonder those sluts are so damn skinny.
In my defense, I was left un-supervised...
For the record when I was a kid I never wanted to be an adult.
I like to go on drunk facebook post binges, then claim the next day that someone hacked my account.
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
Paying a homeless man to pee on your ex`s windshield, is just about the most fun you can have with 5 bucks.
I never thought I`d be the kind of person who`d wake up early in the morning to exercise ... And I was right.
The early bird gets the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person ... apparently they call that stalking.
It’s a status….not your diary…
Sexual education classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours straight while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
Yo fellas, how did that “wow” comment you left on that girls Facebook picture play out?