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I hate when I’m about to hug someone really sexy and then my face hits the mirror.
Nothing is more dangerous than a woman “gathering her thoughts”.
Instead of exes, they should be called whys.
So,do people in England speaks American now that people in America speaks English?
Holy crap! I just realized that I´m still it from a game of tag in 1987.
I didn`t get your text (phrase) - I got your text, I was just too lazy to respond.
I bought a used UPS truck. It gets bad gas mileage but I can park anywhere.
Childless people wondering what it`s like to have some kiddos? Make a lovely healthy breakfast. Take it and throw it all over the floor.
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
Walking past a new employee`s desk & yelling, "Do you think it`s a good idea to be surfing porn on your first day?" will never get old.
For the record, you`ll need a turntable needle.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don`t want to look like a dork.
If I had a nickel for every time I`ve misplaced my keys, there`d be a jarful of money I would also have to look for
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says "Please give me a hand" is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
A guide to hating people. Step 1: get to know them.