Daily Silly Status

I like the parts of the day when food happens.

It’s embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn’t sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.

In my defense, it was a fantastic idea at 3am...

You know what the cheapest meat is? Deer balls ... They`re under a buck

Instead of cleaning the house I just watch an episode of Hoarders and I think WOW, my house really looks great.

Remember waffles are just pancakes ribbed for your pleasure

“we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

Here`s a fun idea: Before your next party or get together, buy some liver and other cuts of meat. Put them in clear containers and put labels on them with random names ("Clarice", "Richard", etc). Then put them in your refrigerator. For even more fun, put some empty containers beside the fridge with your friends` names on them....

I need to hire someone who will follow me around and just knock the unhealthy food out of my hand.

I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don`t really understand kites or insults.

At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?

Don`t EVER break a pinky promise. That sh!t is LEGIT.

The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain`t good.

Whenever I want a klondike bar I just pay for it.