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I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.
Attention!! Today I am traveling back in time to right some wrongs in this world. You will know I succeeded if the Germans lost WW2 and that Thursday comes before Wednesday.
Remember kids, NEVER light fireworks. Let the adults, who have been drinking all day, light them instead!
Yes, bitches be trippin’ but maybe I pushed one.
just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream
TEIAM - problem solved
Not to brag but when I push it, I push it real good.
I don`t think boredom gets enough blame for the trouble it causes.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people.
The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
I told everybody at work that I`ve got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.
I`d get lost less frequently if GPS would say "no, your other left."
If your conspiracy theory doesn`t involve cats and dogs, don`t bother me.
I’m dedicating this status update to all the status-less people out there. Stay strong.
I`ve just been watching a documentary on marijuana...... I think all documentaries should be watched this way.