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Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account
I try to avoid nice people, so they can stay that way.
Why do people with really bad breath always want to tell you secrets?
I had the urge to clean my place today so I laid down until the urge went away.
"Good for you!" means, "I do not consider you a threat" in woman-speak.
To all my friends who post Controversial, Obscene, Dirty, Offensive, and Derogatory posts, .. Keep that sh!t up. I like it....
On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.
If you hear a roommate having loud sex, a cool thing to do is kick down the door and shout "player 3 has entered the game!"
If you attached a bunch of watches together to make a belt it would be a waist of time.
Hey, does anyone know which side you`re supposed to wear your fanny pack on? I want to really nail this job interview tomorrow.
Good things come to those who wait. Better things come if you stop f*cking around and make sh!t happen.
I`m no cactus expert, but I know a pr!ck when I see one
I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, condom box, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.
My diet could best be described as, "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."
All I want is a little more than I’ll ever get.