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Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...
Always look for the girl with the ponytail holder on her wrist.
"Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I`ve ever been asked.
If I had a nickel for everytime I told myself I`d quit smoking, I could buy a lot more cigarettes
Patience is not about how long you can wait, but how well you behave while waiting.
Excessive consumption of alcohol seems like a good idea.
You seem like a sweat person. Mind if I lick you to find out?
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a shot of Vodka while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care.
If karma doesn`t hit you, I gladly will.
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service, it`s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
"That girl is totally checking you out" said vodka. -Bfanch
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
is giving everyone permission to steal, and use this status.
When I die, I’d like someone to keep updating my Facebook status, just to freak people out… “Hey, who knew they had Wi-Fi up here?”